Some Perspective

I guess after been though a lot of emotions surrounding someone who I like very much, enough that you could say I was in a pretty deep crush with. I started asking myself “Why?” I did have answers to that, I mean good looks with good personalities seems to be hard to come by. However, I felt that lot of crush was well in my mind. I wanted to have a relationship, I could see the future sort of speak. Frankly it was really unfair to both my and him. I just was not being realistic and thinking I could be friends with with him with my state of mind was, well kind of clumsy. It was heading to a concrete wall.
I tend to get in a hurry when I want something badly, doesn’t matter what it is. If it is a new gadget that I want I will wheel and deal to get it, and shamefully as it was, I was doing the same thing. Why it mattered to me how he would answer a question is really silly. I, nor he would know how he’s going to feel about anything 3 months, 6 months, a year from now. I do know he was more focused on the things he had to work on and well has every right and the sense to do so. So when I talked to my friends about things I didn’t really agree, at least not completely, that I was being treated poorly. I don’t know any of his other friends or how their friendships work but I do feel that being told to email only was kind of a bum deal but he can call, text me at his leisure. That seemed a bit unfair, even on a friendship basis, but I am used to dealing with people who text, Facebook, etc…He does none of those (and I don’t blame him). So, when it comes to him he isn’t the typical case here, not if you ask me and what I have grown to know about him. He is quite shy and I think there are probably some things he is hesitant to either tell me or just talk about…likewise I don’t know what they are.
At this point I am worries whether our friendship is going to connect back up here in a few months. I felt that with the tension we have been having which yeah a lot of it I brought on to myself that it would be better to just hold off until May. I just hope he didn’t take that as I didn’t want to talk to him or be friends but I know myself, I wouldn’t stop crushing on him and things would just get nasty with him not having time to talk. The thought does cross my mind that of the friends who told me that if he really liked me that he would find the time to send a text, and well he did occasionally send an email but to me, at least in my world, email is an afterthought. Email is something I check once or twice a day. Now with him I would be checking it all the time, or if I ordered something I wanted so I could keep an eye on tracking, otherwise no one emails me, nothing important enough that I need to check it so often. Interestingly enough back in the day, email was a thing, people did email me, now it is text messages, Facebook, Pintrest, Instagram…and it is a bitch to keep up with them all so I just have to better understand how his mind works and compromise. Yes I think you can compromise as friends. All I can say most of my emails went unanswered so that in part of the whole texting thing that went on between us, I just didn’t feel well with it, not that he did or didn’t have intentions of making me feel that way. I don’t know that I can fully trust people anymore. One minute they’re kissing you because you bought them a gift they thought was awesome now hardly seem to matter, but that’s not to say it doesn’t matter, it’s how I feel.
If I didn’t like the guy I wouldn’t be writing all this and trying to find ways to either give him space, get him off my mind, but I won’t buy that he was trying to be mean. I don’t know what life is for him on the daily and he isn’t the kind of person who takes joy in telling you what they had for dinner last Tuesday. I am though, at least at this point in my life much more in tune with my emotions and damn it’s not easy to put a sock in it sometimes. I tell people I am honest and nearly all the time my honesty tends to cause more trouble…. Perhaps it isn’t the honesty, it is the timing. For instance, and thank God I never did this, but there was a point about a year ago I damn near told him that I loved him which would have made me a fool and probably would have ran for the hills. However, I guess to some extent I kind of do. I really want him to graduate, I really want him to be successful and to be happy and even if that means I’m totally out of the picture. If that is the case, yeah I’m going to be upset, never handled rejection well. I think the other thing that persisted in my mind was how do I make this guy happy. I mean I’m mediocre looking, kind of overweight – but not fat, I probably won’t make nearly the kind of money he’s going to make, at least not in the grand scheme of things. Am I going to be holding him back? You know a lot of times when it comes to this sort of things I look at how my sister and her husband make it work. She pays the bills, he puts money in savings. When they want to travel or do something they have the money to do it. However, that being said, it takes a great amount of trust to make that arrangement work. Most partners want to split things down the middle and that makes sense too…. Anyway getting too far off course. I just try to figure out how I can make someone happy and love me enough and be able to show that just as I want to show them.
I think the reality may be that I am hoping too much, even for a friendship at this point let alone anything more. Sometimes, moving away from something you think will just be great and be able to see what happiness and love do have to offer, hard to swallow that and move on.

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