It must be natural to have a fear of death and I’m no different. I suppose I realize that at some it will happen. We know we need to eat well, exercise and be happy to have a better chance of living a long life. So we try to eat vegan, and fail. We try to exercise and be loving and often fail on those things too. We’re human. I think the interesting thing is if you ask most people whether or not they would want to live forever, most would probably say yes. I would. I think the reason why we say yes is that forever is pretty foreign to us, forever is a long time but to say someone like me who’s in their 30’s, forever is pretty foreign. How can I know what forever is? More interestingly, why would I or anyone want to love one person forever? Where does that idea come from? I’ve been told monogamy isn’t natural but yet so many of us seem to want to fall in love with one person and spend the rest of our days with. More so we want to find that person right now and not later.
A friend of mine posted this video of Neil Degrasse Tyson and Larry King talking about the fear of death and living forever. I think Neil’s response is kind of spot on.
I think Neil illustrates why we do often feel that me need to be going somewhere with our lives, we need to accomplish something, no matter how small. For some it is having a successful career or a bike or a car. I mean we do often forget that much of the world is in poverty, so things like having a bike is a big deal in some parts of the world. I think the one thing that struck with me is the need to express love. I am definitely in need of expressing love and I get a lot of happiness doing so, when I can. Very hard to find a partner, there’s so many needs to fulfill, not just of my own but seems that it really is something rare to come across someone who is just as tied up in knots about you as you are them. I think the urgency to love, be successful can also drive is to desperation, depression and loneliness.
If I look back at my days of going to college and that point where I just accepted that I wasn’t going to pass my classes and I’m going to be broke next semester anyway I got pretty depressed, for a couple years. At that point in time I figured I was destined to just work crap jobs making crap pay and so on. I did finally quit moping and went out to be an intern at a computer shop and ended up getting hired. In my case it was the best thing that happened to me. Not saying I’ve climbed some big corporate ladder or that I’m rich or anything, I’m not either of those. However, I am in a much better place in that regard. I think being gay and in the sticks would make it hard for anyone to find a partner and thinking about my age and where I am and everything I really have the urgency to find someone, fall in love and settle down. It kind of is a daunting task. There’s a lot to it and I often feel like maybe I’m not up to the challenge, like maybe I don’t know what it takes to make someone happy or that I don’t even know what makes me happy. I feel it is a big ball of confusion and at times I wonder how loving each other got to be a big ball of confusion, used to when I was a kid all that was simple and second nature.
I don’t have something whimsical to say here. Just wanting to rationalize how I feel and make sense of things. Human nature is pretty interesting.