The Future Freaks Me Out
I notice that the more I think the more I worry about the future… especially health issues, sooner or later everyone has them. My worrying and anxiety usually doesn’t get me anywhere, certainly doesn’t help solve any problems. Perhaps it’s not having the “control” I want, being in control of things in my life means a lot and perhaps it is my problem with just going with the flow. When it comes to health problems, or looming issues, sometimes I don’t know if it is just better to just take a damn pill or try to deal with it head on. In the past it has been my choice to deal with it head on but now I wonder if that really will work. I feel that inevitably, whether I run or become a couch potato I will get whatever condition. I do think that having become more in tune to my health that I have definitely, for the most part made a positive effect on my overall health. I mean when I was a smoker my blood pressure was hitting kind of scary numbers and probably should have been on medication at that time. Right now it has been in the normal range close to a year and that is all from not smoking, losing some weight and all the other activities I’ve been doing. However, it is hard to stay motivated, a lot of external factors can just drag you down — if you let it.
Then I worry that I may end up single all my life. People keep saying, give it time…give it time. I’ve allowed plenty of time and god dammit I don’t don’t want to be 50 and just getting settled into a relationship. I keep getting told and also think that it’s the area. Then I work the statistics… Yes, overall I think it is the area, the demographics. People my age don’t stay here, well the kind of guys I would be into don’t seem to. That’s not saying there aren’t good guys around they’re just usually taken or if my luck isn’t bad enough moving away in two weeks. Yes, that has happened. I started talking to someone who was moving away in two weeks — what’s the point in that? I mean yeah I have a Prius and I could drive 100 miles to go hang out with someone and so on, but I can’t hardly ever…EVER get someone to figuratively speaking meet me halfway. It seems I am often the one wanting and trying to make things work. There just seems to be something fundamentally wrong with a lot of guys in what their expectations are in dating. But hell it has been so long since I have been in a (air quotes) mature relationship that I don’t know anymore, maybe it is me or maybe it is all the so-called dating apps.
I also sit and think that the time is going by at a much faster rate than we realize. In the moment, it seems that minutes and hours go by at a crawling pace but at the end of the day all the time has passed in a blink of an eye. I feel like there should be something more to show for it, some quality time spent not staring into a screen waiting for the the next email to come through or hoping some cute guy is going to message me.
I need to realize more and more that worrying being fearful about things beyond my control is pointless. You can’t worry about too much when you’re worm food.